Journal: The wisdom of nothing

How does it feel like closing in on five decades?

One thing I can share with you: I did not want to live beyond four…decades. But here I am, closing in five.

“From the moment we are born, we begin to die.”
― Janne Teller, Nothing

My biggest fear in life has been death. But what is my fear? I will die soon — leave this world too soon. I realize that I have so much to offer and experience — too many people let to meet, places to see, books to read ( this is the most important), and books to write. There you go, I have finally written about it.

I told somebody that I have lost the finest 17000 days of my life — but also it took me almost 16000 days — that is when COVID happened — to relook at my life and figure out what I wanted. Just this — I wanted nothing.

I want nothing out of my life.

For I cannot take anything from here and go away. Oh, I can leave memories and legacies — that is what I want to do. I cannot carry regrets ever when my soul leaves my body.

A photo in Besant Nagar Beach, Chennai, with smoke from the corn bakers waffling around me. It was nothing, believe me.

That is why, my friends, I have NO race to run. This wisdom comes from my wife. We discussed this on a walk one evening about this point — we have everything, and we need ‘nothing’.

I have achieved everything, and there is no more that this material world can offer me.

My writings will take their path, for I decided to unfollow my thoughts about becoming a Tolstoy or a Dostoevsky. I am me. I want nothing.

There is something though — so I want to give back. The only way I can. So, I read and I write. I need to be fit for that — mentally and physically. A healthy framework is needed for me to give back, and therefore I shall strive to be healthy.

But how will I live my life henceforth? I shall be the observer and observed, the creator and the creation, the character and the plot of the stories I am and will be working on. It is something I am looking for both in my interactions with people and my imagination.

The changes that I propose are intrinsic, but I also know that while I may propose, the divine may dispose. So, I shall live every day as if this would be my last day. A smile, a good deed, a bit of writing.

I will get there folks, because my list of books to be written is in double digits. I have discovered new paths and therefore new additions to my list, and I shall endeavor to put them out in the domain as much as I can.

So, this is my story filled with a lot of I’s. But the core of it is about ‘nothing’. I have let go of the things that bind me to a mortal result.

“My peak? Would I even have one? I hardly had had anything you could call a life. A few ripples. some rises and falls. But that’s it. Almost nothing. Nothing born of nothing. I’d loved and been loved, but I had nothing to show. It was a singularly plain, featureless landscape. I felt like I was in a video game. A surrogate Pacman, crunching blindly through a labyrinth of dotted lines. The only certainty was my death.”
― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

We are characters in the story of our life. But are we the protagonists? That is wishing for something. But, most of our lives, when seen after many generations, will be ‘nothing’, for we have ‘nothing’ to show. Is there something that we can leave behind?

Nothing is what we can take with us. But something — we can leave behind. Maybe, a better world. Better memories. At least in a few people’s hearts. When we give away all we can, we shall have nothing, anyway.

The most important thing that COVID taught us is to not take life as a race. It also taught us to stop, stare at and savor life. It taught us to smell the roses.

Finally, there is nothing beyond our lives. If there was heaven, it is here. Heaven, like any other realm, is a package. We come empty, we go empty. Everything is here — the nights and the days, the joys and the sorrows. So let us make good of our lives, from this day. This is the wisdom of nothing. This is also the story of the rainbow bridge.

“And then, a strangely comforting thought trickled through me — I had nothing, so I could do anything now. Anything I wanted. I had nothing left to lose.”
― Rachel Ward, Numbers

You can expect a book from me ‘ Wisdom of Nothing and Other Essays’ — it is about writings like these covering various aspects — human, social, philosophical, literal, and psychological elements that I write and publish on the award-winning platform BizCatalyst 360.

Till then, let’s keep in touch.

~Ashok Subramanian, © 2023